Random Friday, Jan 29 2010

“If we acquire knowledge before we are emotionally healthy, that is if we are insecure, we are going to use it to boost our own ego and compare ourselves to others. The desire for knowledge will be like a need for a drug, then, pacifying a wounded spirit through comparative associations. Entire theological camps have been built and bolstered by this needy, angry, gluttonous desire for knowledge. But if we have confidence, if we are secure, knowledge humbles us. We realize that we did not invent truth, we simply stumbled upon it like food on a long journey. Knowledge will then produce the fruits of the spirit.”

“Seeking knowledge, then, is like tending a vineyard. It’s just farming. But you aren’t the one who produced the fruit, God is. You’re just a farmer, just a guy who makes and distributes wine. It’s blue-collar work.” ~Donald Miller

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Repentence Wednesday, Dec 9 2009

Abba,
I must confess. I did not know You when I first spoke of You during my very first bloq. I knew of You but spoke of you as I did. But I often did not care to know You and yearn after you. I cared about myself. I am indeed sorrowful my sin. Jesus, You are my life. Thank you for the bloody cross and empty tomb. Thank you Spirit of God for Your conviction, sustaining power and truth. Thank You God Almightly for Your mercy and creation. May You be glorified and have me die. You are more…You are more….Come Father, Come

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The LOVE of Another Saturday, Oct 17 2009

Have you really sat down and tried to grasp the depth of God’s love for us?  How is something so easy to attain so hard to accept?  It is easy to live and love for Christ but too many times my pride gets in the way.  I am unable to render my weakness to my Father and lover of my soul.  The hardest part lately has been just the notion that I am loved at all.  God says He does and in the mist of doubt..He points me back to the blood on my hands, Jesus’ blood.

I was reading this morning in Joshua 7 and how even this simple passage of truth speaks volumes of God’s love for me.  Back then..you know in the Old Testament…people who sinned were often stoned to death for their sin to demonstrate God’s justice.  The story sees Joshua sending an army of men to town of Ai.  The Israelites were defeated and asked God how this could happen to His people.  God pretty called out someone who had sinned in the group.  Joshua finds out that Achan had taken robes, precious coins and gold from Babylon.  Achon confesses of his sin, giving glory to God, and Achon and his family are stoned to death.

I thought about this all morning and afternoon of just the thought of love and what it means to me.  I deserve death for every horrible sin that I have ever committed.  I don’t know about you but when I a kid I hated being hit with even a small rock..I cannot imagine being stoned to death.  I deserve that death.  Often enough I run to things that aren’t God and it leaves me with a decaying and dying feeling inside..miserable…hopeless.  That passage this morning just spoke volumes of Jesus and His love and devotion to his children.  I think the thing that is most comforting is God knows all about the crap in our lives..even when we don’t want to admit it for ourselves.  He created us for a purpose.  I like to think and that God and Jesus had it planned even back while the Fall was taking place in the garden and the hope of redeeming the ones that He had created and the ones He loves and will do anything for.  All I have to do is be real with Him.  Tell my Father how I am doing even when He knows how I am doing.  There is hope in a relationship with one that created me and wants to continually pursues me and is jealous for my affection.  Think that is the greatest miracle.

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Unrest for my Soul Monday, Sep 28 2009

I find myself thinking about the future as of late.  Thinking about the ocean, the Pacific.  Surf the Nations out in Hawaii.  I know some of my family would hate to see me go, but this isn’t my home.  I am not referring to earthly properties, but in relation to Heaven.  Heaven is my true home and only God Himself knows when I will be able to come and see Him face to face.

It must have been a joy for prophets of old, to have traveled and experienced new relationships, to see a glimpse of God’s wonderful creation in a whole new light.   But I am quite certain my heart will yearn to see my family back in this one-way stop again.  I would find myself asking myself, ” Will I ever see them again?’  And what a joy it would be to see their beautiful faces once again.  But life isn’t about me.  This isn’t my story, but just a sentence, maybe even a paragraph…in comparison to His masterpiece.  Even though my heart will want it, I can not let my heart lead me.  I must lead my heart.  I must follow God’s path, because I cannot direct my own steps.  I do not know the path to take..for I will get inconceivably lost.  But my soul will have joy, sharing my experiences and how God through Jesus Christ saved my life.  Even though my selfish ego will try to halt this wonderful opportunity, my Jesus will win,  He has already won.  He is just waiting on His children to follow suit.  The greatest achievements I could ever achieve is sharing the Gospel of Jesus to a hurting world.  But I pray that I will not forget what God has done and continues to do for me and the plans to accomplish for the unforeseeable future..I pray that I won’t fall into the lies that this world offers, like so many before and after me.

I pray my God, that you will give me in opportunity to do this.  I pray that this is your will..this I pray…

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He is who He is. Wednesday, Sep 23 2009

I am at a loss of words just from the past couple of days.  I have always heard the notion that God means what He says and does work in the world.  I have to confess,  for a long time, I didn’t believe it.  I wanted to but growing up where I grew up and have seen things no person should ever see, I couldn’t understand why the world was broken.  I would find myself asking, “is this all there is?”  I wanted to ignore the pain and the suffering that I had caused the world and the ones I loved.

But…….

You know what?  God always held onto me with me never holding back.  For almost 16 or so years I did this,  all I saw was pain and addiction.  I was dying in a decaying vacuum.  Those who don’t believe in God…I can honesty say He exists and He loves you.  Jesus died on a cross that I deserved.  My grotesque sins, past and present are paid for..my His perfect blood.  There is freedom in this reality, to know that I am even loved at all.  A miracle would best describe the Gospel.

Through incredible acts of devotion and kindness my brothers and sisters have served me…I thank you.  I am not sure if they could ever know how much it has meant for my heart and my continual understanding of grace and pushing forward….  but as I type this..I am quite certain that they do.

When God says He loves you and forgives you…He means it.  When He says not to worry about life, that He will give you all you need and when you do struggle, He will pick you up…He means it.  God has your best interests in hand everyday.  There is peace in this statement..there is peace.

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Rant Friday, Aug 21 2009

So it has been a long…but good two weeks.  I am definitely in need of a vacation but won’t get one for another two months, at least.  God has been stretching me in my walk with Him, it has been hard but at the same time Jesus is always showing me grace. 

 More importantly, God is showing me how many times I have gotten it wrong and will still not get it right and He is right there to rescue me.  Right there to show me grace that I don’t deserve but that has already been given.  I recently borrowed a book from a good brother of mine and hate to say it..it will not go back to the owner in the condition that it was given to me to begin with.  I felt sorrow for just the notion that I couldn’ t keep my word and sheer frustation of it happening at all.  Freak accident.  I confessed about the book and offered to purchase another one but he just offered me grace and made a point to reference the chapter in the book concerning grace. 

I have a feeling we sometimes do the same thing..still asking what can I do for God when nothing can be done.  I did that last night.  After being forgiven I soon found myself doubting whether or not I was forgiven and felt I should have been punished for my mistake.  I did that for years..following foolish attempts to show God I could make Him proud and even love me.  But the true of the matter is…He already loves me.  Jesus’ flesh was torn and shattered for me and by His perfect blood I am forgiven.  NO DOUBT..forgiven.  Jesus took my unrighteousness and I took His righteousness..freely given and rose again, conquering death..the motivation was love.  It took me a long time to get this..I know this is one of the reasons I struggled with sexual impurity and depression for many years.  To be perfectly honest, I deserved to be put on that cross…time and time again for my sin.  That compared to Christ..I am nothing. 

It seems that the past few days just reading scripture, God is pointing me back to the cross.  Just the notion of my sin..in detail and what sacrifice was made for my behalf.  How I run away from God and by his perfect will and patience, love..and so on..He always pursues me even harder than before.  He never lets go..even though He would be justified in doing so.  But Jesus’ saving grace is given and my response is awe and a thankful heart for a priceless gift, everlasting love that will never cease to exist.

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Man Weekend Sunday, Aug 2 2009

I had the opportunity of going to Charleston this past weekend with Asian and a guy, Aaron, who went to Clemson with Asian.  I left Friday from Columbia feeling frustrated, tired and just in a pissy mood.  But there is something about Charleston that soothes and mends my heart back together. 

As soon as we got to Charleston, Aaron and his dad were making some pork chops for us.  Talk about hospitality..was very thankful for that.  But Friday evenings late dinner didn’t even compare to what was about to happen on Saturday…it was going to be a battle of epic proportions. Went to Hyman’s D’town and ate way too much hush puppies…not to mention the shrimp I had as well.  The three of us went to battle against 7 Hour OVEN ROASTED RIBs….not to mention the two small sides and we did damage.  Along with half a tub of brownie chocolate ice cream, I have never felt that fat since Thanksgiving and it was well worth it. 

But the one thing I always enjoy in between the numerous calories we had consumed…was going to the beach.  The beach has always been a place where I can relax my worries and my troubles away.  But it isn’t the beach that takes my troubles away..it is my Heavenly Father who made this all too great creation.  Words cannot express how I view God’s creation and His glory.  Human words don’t say it.  God holds the oceans in the palms of His hands and as I floated in a sea that could shallow me whole with out any pity..I was at peace.  Through the mist of pain, suffering, and especially uncertainity, there is unforsakable hope.  It is a comforting thought to know I have the opportunity to hope for a place with no more tears, no more sin,  just peace and to finally be with my Creator.   The One who knew me before I was born.  The One who will never leave nor forsake me.  The One who gave His life up for me so I could finally grasp freedom.  My life is just a breath. 

There will always be hope in having a relationship with Jesus.  He has my best interests at hand, even when I think I can do better and the truth is I can never do better.  He cares about His children that much.  He will never leave His children even when His children abandon Him.   He will never fail.  He is God and I am not.  I am thankful for that.    And you want to know the best part of heaven will be….Jesus will be there.  Amen.

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Dismantle. Repair Tuesday, Jul 28 2009

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through Dismantle me down (repair)

You dismantle me You dismantle me Give me time to prove Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)

 Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you It’s not that I hang on every word I hang myself on what you repeat It’s not that I keep hanging on I’m never letting go

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you

Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through Dismantle me down (repair) You dismantle me You dismantle me

Save me from myself Save me from myself Help me save me from myself Save me from myself

Oh, things are going to change now for the better And oh, things are going to change 

 Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through

 Dismantle me down (repair) You dismantle me You dismantle me

Anberlin~Dismantle Repair

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Feel Saturday, Jul 11 2009

Abba, my heavenly Father, my friend,

I am sorry for what I have done and just being a sinner.  Relying on myself to succeed and move up in this shark invested waters this world seems to always have.  I am sorry for running to things that aren’t healthy for my growth…for not surrendering all…

I believe that you love me..not just know.  I believe my sins are forgiven through the precious blood of Jesus…I believe that I have new life through the resurrection of Jesus.  I believe you will always love me and never leave me, always, continually on-going pursuit for my soul and heart.  Thank you for everything.  My life is not really mine..it is yours.  Help me not forget that my life isn’t about me at all.  I love you Abba and thank you for yours.

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Take it as you may Thursday, Jun 25 2009

It has been a really long, but great week all at once.  I am really thankful and blessed to have the people in my life that really look at for me and my best interests.  For real, thank you.  God bless you and keep you. I am thankful for the new relationships that are beginning with other people. 

I have been training with NBSC this week and I forgot after having a two to three week layoff, how tiring it is to study and train on something unfamiliar.  But this isn’t me complaining.  My trainer, has been a blessing and I am not even sure she knows it.  Ms.  Ann as we call her, is an older lady who will tell it like it is but in a respectful way.  She is a woman of integrity and she has been pushing me to Jesus.  She often speaks of attending church, singing in the choir and just flat-out doing and living out, what the Bible and what God asks us to do if we love Him…obey Him.  But the thing that strikes me is the way she puts life into prospective.  She has a unique way of telling a story or circumstance in the world and her response through faith.  I have to say it but I was overwhelmed one day this week by the amount of information regarding policies at the bank.  But she makes a point that everything is going to work out, I will be fine.  I believe that is what Jesus tells me when I get worked up.  Your going to be okay..it has been an opportunity to worship God by just learning something new and showing love and respect to everyone I met.  This is one of many purposes that God has for me.   It makes me run to Jesus faster than ever before..knowing that still after all the screw ups in my life that Jesus will always love me and will never give up on me.

It is good to have a Heavenly Father who I can scream my frustrations at, who I can wrestle over the little irritants of life and just to tell Him I am joyful for Jesus’ grace and the opportunity to confess and apologize for my sin.  I have never viewed God as a friend before..that Perfect relationship..but it turns out it is what I was always yearning for when I turned away from God when I was younger.  I just didn’t give Him the time of day.  I regret that.  It is overwhelming just the thought over the grace we have been blessed with and the peace that comes from knowing our Lord and Savior, Jesus.

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